God’s Timing in the Lives of Vance and Juli

I sat at a table in my tuxedo, alone, sad, and disappointed. There were a couple of hundred people around me in that large room, but I had rarely felt as alone as I did at that moment. 1995 was only minutes old, and I had just finished a long and frustrating 1994.

I was at the old train depot in downtown Atlanta, right next to the Coke Museum and Underground Atlanta, at a Christian New Year’s Eve celebration. I was the only guy in our group of seven who had gone down for this event. I was ‘chaperoning’ six women from my church. I don’t think they really needed a chaperone. They probably just felt sorry for me and invited me along.

It was a nice event and the room we were in was about 150 feet long and 30 feet wide, with a third of it set up as a dance floor. Christian music was blasting and people were having a good time. Well, most of them were.

I know it is cliché, but I was very much alone in a crowded room. I sat at that table praying and telling God that I had finally learned the lesson He had been trying to teach me. It had literally taken one year, pretty much to the minute, to learn this lesson.

It all started the previous New Year’s Eve. I had been out with a group from my church on that New Year’s too. We had gone to a concert. I was 28 years-old at the time and was ready to settle down. Just after midnight on that trip, I told God: “This year we are going to find my wife. I am ready to have a family.”

I had started 1994 with a very positive attitude. I was ready to get married and I was excited that it was going to happen that year with the plan God and I were putting into place. I was very enthusiastic about implementing that plan. I hit the ground running and had a date early in January followed by another date not too longer after that. Unfortunately, those dates were not with the same girl. That developed into a pattern for most of 1994: A lot of first dates but very few second or third dates. I just was not connecting with any of these women. I did date a couple of women multiple times, but I always felt I was forcing myself to stay with them in the hope that something would blossom. Instead, all those relationships rotted on the vine.

I worked very hard that year to implement the plan I thought God and I were working on together. In the back of my mind, I did not want to be thirty and single and that deadline was rapidly approaching.

Just prior to going to sit by myself at that table, I had just been outside to apathetically watch the birth of 1995 with a brilliant fireworks display that was launched from somewhere in downtown Atlanta. We had a good view from our location standing just outside the train depot. I think it was a very nice display, but I remember very little about it.

The event itself was fabulous. I enjoyed myself right up to the point of walking out to see the fireworks. The group of girls I was accompanying were fun, and I liked being around them, but there was no chance of any relationships sprouting from that group. In fact, I had already dated two of them. We were all just friends. In fact, one of the girls in our group whom I had dated ended up being a bridesmaid in my wedding, but that’s jumping ahead.

I had danced with a few women who were not in our group, but there was just nothing there either. I had seen this one girl who caught my eye several times that night. However, she was always on the opposite side of the dance floor. I had even tried swapping sides a few times only to find she had left the dance floor or worse had swapped sides as well, so I never managed to dance with her before midnight.

It was standing out among the dazzling display of moving lights in the sky when it fully struck me that the plan of finding my wife in 1994 had failed. I wondered why God had failed to implement our plan. 1994 was over and I stood there among many couples giving each other New Year’s kisses while disappointment sank into me. That is when I went back inside and sat down at the table by myself.

I sat thinking about the plan I had thought God and I had been working on all year when I realized that God had not been a part of that plan at all, I had told God what my plan was and simply expected Him to fall into line.

I prayed something very similar to this after that realization:

Lord, I get it now. I was so arrogant to think I could tell you when you should do anything. I am so sorry, Lord. Who am I to tell you anything? I realize I must wait on your timing and that your timing is always better than mine anyway, unless my timeline just happens to match what you already have planned. In that case, it is once again your timing and not mine anyway.

I am sorry I tried to tell you to find me a wife last year. I understand now that I must wait until you think it is the right time for me, if you want me to be married at all. I will serve you as a single man all my life if that is your will. I am willing to submit to your will, Lord. However, I would prefer to be married and  will wait until you feel it is the right time for me to find a wife who will help me be more of the Christian man I need to be. In Christ’s name I pray, Amen.

After I prayed that prayer, I sat thinking about what God might want me to do next. I sat there less than two minutes before one of the women from my group walked up and asked if I wanted to come dance with the group. I told her I did not feel like dancing any more. She insisted and grabbed me by the arm and hauled me out of my chair back. She led me back into the dancing crowd.

About ten feet into the crowd I come within five feet of the girl I kept seeing across the dance floor all night. I pulled on the girl’s arm who was leading me to our group. She turned around and I leaned over and told her, “We are dancing right here.” She shrugged and we stopped. We started mixing in with the crowd around us as we danced.

I turned and made eye contact with the girl I had wanted to dance with all night. We started dancing and trying to talk to each other over the blaring music. Eight months and four days later I married her. We celebrated our 20th anniversary last year. She certainly has helped me develop as the Christian leader God is directing me to be.

This is an awesome story, but the most impressive part is that I could see Romans 8:28 at work through this. For a refresher, here is Romans 8:28:

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. (NIV)

I tried telling God what to do and when. Instead of being angry with me and keeping me from ever getting what I wanted, He used it as a way to teach me to trust in His timing and in His plans. I do not subscribe to the myth that there is only one perfect (or even almost perfect) person out there for each of us. However, I do know that some couples are more compatible than others. Juli and I are more than compatible and I know God led me to her. I am extremely happy that He did.

God took my arrogant, selfish attitude and taught me something valuable that I will never forget: God's timing is perfect. Never try to force your timetable on God.

Love is Not Always Pretty

Valentine’s Day is about showing others how much you love them. A lot of love was shown last Valentine’s Day in the Kessler home. That was the day Grams (my mother) was taken out of the nursing home to continue her rehab at home. We did not know how long it would last, but we knew it would require many sacrifices from the whole family. We were willing to endure them to help Grams be happier and more comfortable. She really wanted to be back in her home and we really wanted to do whatever we could to help her.

There is something that happened that Valentine’s Day that you will NEVER find this written in any poems or songs, but it was one of the most romantic acts of love I have ever witnessed. This may sound odd to many of you, but some of you will understand exactly what I am talking about. There is nothing more romantic for a guy than having your wife clean your mom’s bottom after a messy episode so that you don’t have to. I will always deeply appreciate Juli loving my mom and me enough to endure doing that.

We miss you mom and I am very thankful for my wonderful wife.

Life Training

My wife and I are entering a season of life that has had me thinking about preparing my children for different aspects of their lives. I have been trying to make sure I have taught my daughter all she needs so she will be ready when she leaves for college next year. My son recently turned 15 and I have been teaching him how to drive.

There are many things we are trying to cram into our daughter, since this is the last year she will be living in our house. From talking with my friends, I am not alone in just now discovering some of the things we should have been doing for years. One simple example is getting up in the morning. We have slipped into the bad habit of letting her sometimes fail to extract herself from her bed when her alarm goes off. We then go in 5 or 10 minutes later to get her out of bed. In college, we will not be calling her in the morning to get out of bed. If she keeps this up, she will simply be late for class or miss it altogether. To prepare her, we are letting her know that we will no longer be her snooze alarm. If she fails to get up, she will be late. I know it will happen, and the first time will be quite painful, for her and for us, but it is the only way she will learn to rely on herself instead of on us.

There is a problem with that plan. She currently drives her brother to school. So, do we let her sleep in and cause her brother to be late as well? That is not fair to him. We are currently trying to work out the balance of teaching her versus having her actions affect her brother negatively.

It reminds me of the Biblical principal that you reap what you sow. Even though waking up is not a crucial spiritual matter, the principal still applies. If we let her continue to sow not getting herself out of bed, she will reap being late to classes in college. Not a major thing, but something to be avoided.

Teaching my son to drive falls into a different category. It is not only about teaching him rules and a new skill. There are serious safety factors to consider. Bad choices in driving can have far more devastating impacts than being late to school. It was hard to literally let go of the wheel and let him sit in the driver’s seat, and there have been a couple of times when I had to reach over to grab the wheel and point him in a safer direction. However, he will never learn to drive if I keep my hand on the wheel at all times.

Reflecting back on how I am teaching my kids these things, I cannot help but think about how God teaches us. He often allows us try new things knowing full well we have to learn as we go. He lets us sit in the driver’s seat with Him watching our progress. He knows we will make mistakes. Sometimes those mistakes are only inconveniences. Sometimes they are very painful. Sometimes those mistakes affect people who had no part in making the mistake.

God has to allow us to make those mistakes so we can learn from them and to allow our freewill to function. If God stepped in every time we were about to make a mistake, He would have to control almost every aspect and every decision of our lives. He did not design things that way. He allows us to make our own choices and to enjoy or suffer the consequences of those choices.

I know He sometimes reaches over to grab the wheel and move us out of the path of an oncoming disaster. But He cannot do that too often or we would not have freewill nor would we learn from the choices we make.